Life is beautiful with the daily
grind that makes it worth living. It can be hard to notice changes, especially
little ones, that shape our character. Out of many experiences we can be shaped
by our choices. And, although it can be hard to decipher at times where our
course took a change with all the miniscule decisions to be made each day, some
events or decisions do stand out obviously in the change. I have had one of those ‘bigger’ moments that
shaped how I respond and approach several situations now. My mindset has been
forever altered and my view of life is seen with different eyes due to a
miscarriage. I looked up the word and
the dictionary provides the two following definitions: 1 – the expulsion of a
fetus from the womb before it is able to survive independently, especially
spontaneously or as the result of accident; 2 – an unsuccessful outcome of
something planned. The following story is an accumulation of journal entries
and thoughts I currently have as I look back on some of my shaping moments from
experiencing a miscarriage.
In the midst of this event, I was
interning as an eighth grade US History teacher at Canyon View Junior High.
Everyone told me the first year, first three years, of teaching are
extraordinary hard and I was definitely experiencing that. I love all 220
students and did my best to, despite being emotionally and mentally taxing,
teach, encourage, empower, show, help, facilitate growth, and monitor progress
of each of my students. One of the most frustrating parts for me was feeling
like I could not help someone because of either my inadequacies or the
student’s lack of willingness to try or participate at all. I was discouraged and my normally happy
disposition actually became a conscience effort. My respect for teachers has
gone up tremendously and I am grateful for my relationship with so many good
ones!
My journal entry from October 27, 2015:
I have a
secret for you. Nate and I bought a pregnancy tests last night and I was
surprised of the result. ‘Pregnant.’ As we looked at it, I became giddy like
the night of Nate and I’s first kiss where I could not stop laughing and
smiling. Another teacher at Canyon View is trying to get pregnant. She is very
open when her period and ovulation is. Well, she thought she was pregnant, as
she got mixed results from pregnancy tests and declared herself pregnant. She
also told everyone out of pure excitement. The following Tuesday you could tell
something was wrong. I asked her how she was doing and she burst into tears and
said she miscarried. I was shocked because she had been emotional all all day
and I got thinking of when she had said her last period was and how she could
not have been very far along. Nevertheless, I’m sure her previous excitement
led to her greater sorrow. Yet another teacher also let me know that his wife
recently miscarried. Because of their experiences, I’m not even going to say
something til I’m at least 3 months. I would love to have the self-control to
just get bigger and bigger.
Journal entry from November 30, 2015 at American Fork
Hospital:
‘Hello! As
I write this, I am trying to be hopeful but mentally preparing for if I have
negative results regarding my current pregnancy. I crave for the child I pray
is growing inside me. I have wanted kids for a long time and I would love to
have a little Nate and Jen, a few indeed actually. I met with a nurse and am
about to have my blood drawn to check the pregnancy hormone (HCG) count in my
blood, then an ultrasound to see if the baby still has a heart beat. I sure
hope there is and the baby is healthy. If not, I will at least know I am
fertile. Life is great and also the biggest challenge I have yet faced is
occurring. I cried last night at the realization that school is starting again tomorrow
and also at the possible loss of the baby inside. Nate gave me a blessing
where, like always, Heavenly Father expressed His love for me and appreciates
my positive attitude and motivation and that some of my students do not have
that in their life and I influence some of them very positively. Today, I
walked to work in the brisk winter air with a thin layer of snow beneath my
feet. A beautiful day. Today, I tried to be more personable with them, to talk
about their Thanksgivings and 5 things they are thankful for. It made me laugh
as Seth asked if we could share ‘0’ things we are thankful for with our
neighbor…. I played the ‘It’s a Revolution’ song as we are learning about the
American Revolution and they liked that….
I stopped
writing the above entry when I was asked to go get my blood drawn. Nate was
able to join me after for the ultrasound. The baby’s heart beat was down very
low, which is not a good sing. The size was also as if I was 5 weeks along when
I am 8 weeks and 3 days. After the doctor looked at the different results, he
was very gracious as he explained the 2 different outcomes that everything is
fine and we will need to monitor it and this was a rough start so call tomorrow
and tell the status OR that I will miscarry shortly- in a day, week, a month
and that I could come in to the doctors to help the passing of the baby. I
believe his name was Dr. Jones and I so appreciate his sensitivity with Nate
and I. He told us how having sex, eating certain foods, working out hard…
nothing can cause a miscarry with the exception of a traumatic experience of a
car crash or something. That was nice to hear as I had done an intense work out
4 days prior and by intense I mean running, weights, and plyometrics. Dr. Jones
also informed us that if I miscarry, this is the body’s way of recognizing this
baby cannot survive outside the womb- whether it is that the chromosomes did
not line up, or some are missing. Also, 1 in 5 pregnancies end in a miscarriage
and just because I may miscarry with this pregnancy does not mean I will only
miscarry, the good news is we know I am fertile and I can get pregnant. Also,
the majority of women who experience a miscarriage are very fertile right after
and often get pregnant quickly.
We left hopeful and humbled,
grateful for the information received. Nate and I drove separately since he
came later from work. As I walked to the car, I felt a lot of blood leave and
more as I was driving. The doctor also said if I continued bleeding tomorrow
that that is not a good sign and to prepare myself mentally and to go get pads
for the bleeding. Nate and I got home and had tickets to The Forgotten Carols
but I wanted to hop in the shower and rinse. I got out and dressed while Nate
went to the store and got me pads… ha ha they are HUGE, like grown up diapers.
I could not help but laugh as I appreciated his desire to help me and care for
me. He needed to change and I told him I was going to go to the bathroom before
we go.
As I sat in the bathroom, I started
feeling really sick to my stomach and had intense cramps. Small clumps of blood
were leaving my body. Nate was on the phone saying we were delayed for getting
The Forgotten Carol tickets at Mama and Papa Killpack’s. I cried out in pain a
few times and Nate came right next to me, sitting on the shower’s edge. The
whole experience was about 10-12 minutes. After another cramp I felt something
that I thought could be the babe. Nate was there comforting me and reminding me
to breath. I was right, the babe, sac and placenta had come out. As I took it
all in, I was crying from this pain I have never felt but also out of sadness
that this growing life had ended- while also being grateful for how fast the
process went, that it was over, rather than prolonged for days or weeks like
the doctor said it could be. I was grateful Nate was there the whole time. I
was filled with a sense of peace and gratitude for life, how sacred and real
and amazing it is that each of us start out SO small, that each of us are a
miracle. Life is a miracle! Each life is precious and the fact that you’re
reading this means you’re ALIVE! YOU survived! What a tremendous gift you and
no amount of words or kind deeds can truly convey the immense love your parents
have for you. I felt the need to pray in gratitude after I had calmed down and
was again, encompassed with love and comfort with the assurance that everything
would be all right. ‘
The next day at school, and for the
next 3 weeks til it was Christmas Break, I viewed my students differently as
each one is a miracle. There life is precious and I was blessed with added
patience and kindness as I tried to help them individually. One of my classes
knew I was pregnant and I told them what happened and how each of them are so
cool! They are a miracle! With all the things that can go wrong, there are oh
so many things that can go right and they are proof of that and I thanked them
for being alive and kind to me. Miscarrying tremendously impacted how I viewed
each student, not just as a student or a grade, but a miracle, a living person
who is immensely important and loved, even if they do not realize that. I
received greater energy to be extra kind, that despite the meanness in the
halls or outside the school, I wanted to be something positive, to treat them
like they should be treated- like miracles and oh so special!
Within a week and a half of
miscarrying, I had three friends announce that they were pregnant. It was in
these moments I realized I have a choice. I can either become sad and
miserable, jealous and begrudging or I can choose to be happy and celebrate the
miracle they are experiencing. For me, it was both, I could not help but be sad
that my experience of bringing life into the world had been delayed but how
happy I was for these friends who were experiencing success, that that is what
I want for them. In those moments, I realized the strength it takes for other
women, and men, to be happy for someone else when experiencing their own
setbacks. I also wanted to be more careful in the way I talked of pregnancy and
‘trying to get pregnant’ and everything that goes along with it. Also, I was reflecting on the year 2015 and
cried as I spoke of the miscarriage and stated how I will love the baby that
much more when we finally have one. As I said that, I realized that at least
for me, that is not true. I love that first life that was growing inside me and
was ecstatic for him or her to join us which made it so hard when it did not
work out. I also did not want to accuse
other women of not having as much love for their child as I would have, simply
because they had not experienced a miscarriage and I never wanted to give that
impression because I see the way that mothers hold, look at, and care for their
children.
I have also been humbled to be a
source of positive encouragement for several people who have also recently
miscarried. Other women’s sensitive sharing helped me and so I too, hope to be
a source of help as I share my experience and a perspective that life is a
miracle! To also share the knowledge I gained that 1 in 5 pregnant women
experience miscarriage. Although a
sobering fact, for me, it gave me comfort knowing I am definitely not alone in
my experience. My body is amazing and so are other women’s and we can gain
comfort and strength from one another. I am grateful for life, that you are
alive, and me as well and that more life is coming. How precious life is and I
want to do all I can to enable life to be as rich as possible through positive
choices and my experience with miscarrying has impacted me for the better. I am
thankful for the knowledge that there is a God, that He is my Heavenly Father
who loves me more than I can comprehend. That He loves me enough to send His
perfect Son, Jesus Christ, to be a perfect example as well as suffer everyone’s
afflictions so that He could know how to help us through them. I felt of His
help and encouragement through this process of realizing, grieving, having
hope, and pressing forward. I love Him for that and witness that that feeling
that everything would be alright was not in vain, and things are more than all
right, they are better than I could have imagined because of the perspective
His truth provides.
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